This blog is a sort of refuge for me. It is a place that helps me clear my thoughts a little. I have been coming to it a lot recently most likely because I have had a lot on my mind.
I am not at all sure about what I want to do with my life. There are plenty of things that I would very much like to do, but the matter of combining them together into a feasable, coherent format constitutes an obstructive wall that I cannot climb.
Seven years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. That was the age when I first started calling myself an artist; I have since retracted that title from myself as I believe it to be something I am yet to earn. If truth be told, I was a right little arrogant fucker during my early-to-mid teens, and it was only when I realised how unknowing and inexperienced I was that things began to change.
I now have an emotional complex surrounding the unfounded surety with which I thought I knew things in the past; I don't want to be arrogant or pretentious, but sometimes I worry that I still am those things. I have learnt that compliments can be a terrible thing. Often, with my artwork, it is those with little art experience who supply the most far-fetched compliments and those whose skills far surpass my own who are the most critical. I realise now, the harm of a hollow compliment.
I sometimes feel like a rotten seed, planted in the most nutrient-rich of soils, and watered constantly, but yet yielding no sign of growth. I am receiving a fantastic art education and am constantly immersed in the midst of incredibly talented people but yet I am just simply not developing my skills as I would like to. I am really angry at myself for this fact.
I wonder, sometimes, if a career in game art is what I really want.
Part of me is pulled towards travel photography and travel painting but I can't see how either of these dreams are possible. I like the idea of being a game artist but I am not an indoors person and the idea of being tethered to a desk is a terrifying prospect. Perhaps one day game art will be more physically involved, once virtual reality has formed an integral role in society.
My other problem is in the fact that it is debatable as to how much art there really is in commercial art. I don't want to paint or 3D model the same, boring, cliché shit day-in-day-out simply because it brings in the big bucks. I want to be an artist, not a prostitute to the visual senses.
It is often said that the 'free' in freelance is an inaccurate description of what the word encompasses but yet, I love the idea of not being tied down to anyone or anything. It would be amazing to travel the world, going from country to country, and capturing beauties unseen to the Western-world; similar to as the orientalists did. I feel that there is so much out there that surpasses the knowledge of my inexperienced mind.
I would be hard-pressed, however, to manage pulling-off such a feat.
I'm thinking of spending this coming Summer in a third world country doing humanitarian work. I'm currently looking into working in an orphanage in India, among other similar opportunities. Doing as such would hopefully lessen my feelings of self-contempt and anger at how little I've contributed to the world. It would also enable me to see a new part of this fascinating planet and experience a new culture, all of which I could capture and further appreciate through sketching, painting and photography. I think that doing this is a must to further my development as an artist and to ease the degree of disgust I feel whenever I see the reflection in my mirror of a middle-class Westerner who has had an easy life but yet done nothing to ease the suffering of others.
The bottom-line is that I don't know what I want anymore. I have fallen into a hole in which I can see nothing. I need to find a way of escape, so as to reclaim a state of clarity within my mind.
I realise how pathetic I sound right now.
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Personally I think its extremely negative to feel guilty for being born into privilege - I don't think it would be wise to go into humanitarian work with these kinds of feelings, only the pure intent to help others and educate yourself.
ReplyDeleteAlso, even as a freelance traditional artist you are still commercial in the sense that you will be catering to whatever makes money, I don't think you can entirely escape that.
When I went to Blitz games a lot of people found it really fulfilling and creative to work on these 'commercial clichés' as you put it. They require a lot more thought and skill than what you might think.
You could open up an interesting philosophical debate here; is it selfish to help others? I wouldn't go as far as to say that but it certainly isn't selfless. If you look at everything from a moral nihilist's point of view, you could conclude that nothing is selfless because moral action spawns from concern within oneself, with moral action being taken to ease that concern.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, no, I'm not thinking about doing humanitarian work to cure my own feelings of guilt; I doubt they'll ever go. I'm thinking about doing it purely because I want to meet new people and do something nice for them. I read in travelogues, and see in photography books, how strong and beautiful humanity can be in the midst of dire situations (take, for example, the recent events in Egypt and Libya), and I want to do what I can to give back to these amazing people. That's all.
I realise that money will always be an issue, regardless of what field of art I end up in. One of the things that pisses me off about consumerism is how it encourages for creativity to be limited to that which is most lucrative. Surely, you must feel the same way?
Perhaps I phrased myself poorly but I wasn't trying to say that cliché art is easy; I don't think that. I am not up on a high horse, saying that I am better than commercial artists. I may have an annoying writing style that suggests otherwise, but none of what I have written derives from feelings of pride or self-righteousness.
I forgot to say thanks for taking the time to read my blog. :)
ReplyDeleteMax, I just read your blog!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of alternatives, think of them what you will!
You want to travel and take photographs, but don't want to be stuck behind your desk for the rest of your life!
Film is art. Travelling, creating documentaries from all round the world on different cultures, current issues and interesting and abnormal things is something i believe would suit you perfectly!
I was always interested in photography, well the still pictures, as well as editing... Similar to your art and computer work... it was then I thought, I want to get out there and do something!
The pictures would be moving, incorporate your art into the documentaries. Video diaries. It would mean you'd be able to travel but by taking a camera along with you, you'd be creating wonderful art. The quality of cameras around these days would mean your photography would be more than suited to that of moving image.
When it comes to getting out and about on jobs, there's not many creative opportunities that allow you to do this, without being in an office behind a computer screen.
It is this that i've lost my ambition to be an editor. I want to direct or produce because it allows me to be creative out and about. It's the perfect job! It's one in which obviously people would see this and say i'm biased towards my chosen profession but seriously, there may be reason behind your original choice of course at guildford college, where we met!
The money in film is awesome too! You get yourself a good crew, an interesting story and your work and cinematography will follow!
Thanks for challenging my commitment to game art and offering an alternative perspective, Darren. :) What you've said is interesting and has given me more to think about but I'm sure I will stick to the games industry as the idea of creating interactive art is what excites me the most.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice to chat with you about life face-to-face sometime soon. I bet you've got a lot to tell me about how things are going for you these days too. :)
The craft and skill you develop as a game artist will support whatever career you choose to pursue.
ReplyDeleteAn artists life is always going to be a balancing act between commerce, fulfilment and self development.
I started out in photography, then film, then writing and now teach. Don't woory about where you're going, but learn everything you can on the journey and you'll be surprised at where you end up.
The career you end up with may not even exist yet, which is why learning skills and being open to change is essential