Year Two: Examined Through a Retrospective Lens

This academic year has seen me pushing myself harder than I thought possible, leaving me now with the question, 'was it all worth it?' Regardless of whether or not I pass this year of my degree, I would be inclined to answer, 'yes,' simply because of how much I've learnt in the process. You can't put a price-tag on an experience.

This year, I have put a lot of thought into my future career and what I actually want to do with my life. I am still just as uncertain as when I started the year but I now feel more at ease with this fact, as I have recently gained a deeper understanding of my interests, passions and feelings.

It has taken me a long time to realise this but I know for certain that starting-up an independent game development company with a few friends and/or future colleagues after a while in industry would give me greater satisfaction and fulfilment than anything else I can think of. This thought constitutes a small beam of light at the end of a very long tunnel that I may or may not ever arrive at. Yet, it is enough to keep me marching onwards.

My painting ability and spatial awareness has developed an awful lot this year! The evidence is right there when my work is lined-up in chronological order. That, however, doesn't mean I am at all happy with it by any measure. There are two main things that upset me about my work: firstly, the fact that I seem to take forever to make even the smallest visual decision; and secondly, the fact that I keep on coming up with concepts I hate but then commit to them anyway because of time constraints. None of my peers seem to have these problems, which is what leads me to wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me!

As is most likely clear to anyone who reads my blog, my emotions are possibly the biggest barrier standing in the way of my full potential. What can I say? I am emotionally fucked-up; I always have been. But then again, aren't most creative thinkers quite unstable in this sense? Is it not neuroticism and social-irregularity that leads to the capacity for creative thought patterns?

I am looking forward to now finally having the time to pursue personal art projects. Perhaps after a Summer of cycling across Europe with just a sketchbook and camera, I will be able to return next year to a fresh slate with a mind bursting full of ideas. I need to experience real things before I can continue as an artist.

An artist is not creating art if none of it comes from the heart. I have an empty heart, and it is crying for me to feed it.